Ah, so you decided to join me for a more intimate conversation I see. Welcome, and make yourself comfortable so we can chat about one of the taboo subjects of roleplay.
I debated with myself back and forth whether or not I should touch on this touchy subject. (All puns intended.) After being encouraged by some friends, I decided to be brave and see if I could help shed some light on something often only hinted at or discussed in the vaguest of terms. What could I possibly be talking about? The intimate physical relationships between Elanthians of course.
There is a definite lack of discussion about the roleplay aspects of love and making love in Elanthia and yet it can be a valid and natural extension of the relationships our characters may develop. Despite the hush hush nature of this topic, it is something in which a significant portion of role players participate. Yet a common theme seems to be that too many people do it badly, too many people can't seem to separate what is RP from RL, and some just don't know where to start.
I would like to be clear right from the start though; I am indeed talking about roleplay here. Many people who engage in sex with their characters do it for their own personal jollies and roleplay is a secondary or completely absent part of it. If that is what you enjoy doing in the game I am not one to judge. But this discussion is directed to those for whom roleplay is the only goal.
Assumptions
First, I would like to address my pet peeves concerning this issue. Many players make a lot of assumptions about others, usually based only on their own activities or pre-conceptions about what others do. These sorts of assumptions are not beneficial and are often inaccurate.
Do not assume that what goes on behind latched doors is cybersex. Cybersex is not synonymous with roleplayed making love. They are distinctly different activities. Cybersex is about the players, roleplay is about the characters.
Do not assume that everyone who engages in sex with their characters does it for prurient reasons. (See above.)
Do not assume that everyone does it. It's entirely possible to portray a loving and/or passionate couple without ever acting out the details within the game. Just because, as part of roleplay, a couple mentions a passionate night it does not mean that as players they portrayed every intimate detail.
If you run across a couple who have a home in the lands, are looking for an inn room, or mention having spent time in an inn, do not assume there is or was sex involved. Characters do sleep you know. Sex is only one of many reasons people may be using a latched room.
My Experience
You may have guessed by now that I do have some first hand experience with this topic. My characters have had various relationships within the game. Some of them included roleplayed physical intimacy and some only alluded to it without acting it out.
I will admit that, not being the greatest roleplayer in the world, I have a much more difficult time pretending that my characters have made love when it hasn't actually taken place in the game. It's a failing on my part that it seems less real to me and thus much harder to realistically portray a passionate couple when the passion is mostly in words and not acts.
Though I have played with one person who is an excellent roleplayer and we found a nice balance with our characters by often sexually teasing each other through words and actions, and then just never getting around to actually doing the deed. That way the sexual attraction between the characters was still vivid and present, while not crossing a line that was set between us as players for out of game reasons.
With some of the characters, it was clear to me as a player that the other player was open to the natural evolution of the relationship and no discussions about what we were doing were necessary. This usually happened with characters played by people I already knew to at least a minimal extent outside the game. We had a certain trust already established that what was going on between our characters was strictly roleplay and that that sort of roleplay was natural and acceptable.
I have also had occasion where it came to a point in the relationship between the characters that we did discuss as players what was going on, how far each of us was comfortable in going, and cleared the air in what it actually meant. That point is where it's important to be up front about intentions and implications. Meaning, be clear with each other that what goes on in the game remains in the game.
For me, whether or not my characters engage in sex is based purely on the roleplay that develops between the characters, and not because of any attachments I may or may not feel to the players behind the other characters. Having said that, I feel it's fairly natural to develop a feeling of closeness to or fond feelings for the other player once the characters have been physically intimate. Or even when they haven't been, but you are roleplaying romantic or friendship aspects of a relationship. I don't think this is a bad thing unless it's allowed to get out of control or one or more of the players lose perspective.
From my experience, I think that honesty between the players is an absolute must. If the meaning of what you are doing changes, if you feel that things are going too far or taking unexpected and unwanted turns, discuss it and re-evaluate what you are doing. Getting into emotional quagmires as a player over something taking place in a game is just not worth it. (I know, I know, sometimes easier said than done, but it's still good advice.)
Behind the Mask
While on the subject of honesty, I should probably discuss some of the more problematic aspects of physical intimacy between characters in an online medium. These are not issues that I have dealt with personally, but I know others who have, and they have made for some uncomfortable or even painful situations.
The first is age of the players. This is a very difficult thing because you often can't know for sure who the other person involved really is. You only have their word to go on. I know people who have been involved with another character for a long period of time, only to find out when it's much too late that the other player is underage. At that point, you can't really undo what's been done.
If you are underage, please do not try to tempt someone into closed-door activities or lie to them about your age. You are putting them in a very bad position, both legally and emotionally. If you suspect that the other player is underage, try to get them to be honest with you and decide for yourself if the roleplay aspects between your characters are worth the risk. If you are an adult and you know the other player is underage, simply don't go there.
The second is gender of the players. Part of the attraction of the game for many people is being able to take on roles that are outside of our daily experience or opposite of the kinds of people we are in normal life. This of course means that oftentimes characters are played by someone of the opposite sex. For some people this is a very upsetting issue and for others it's an expected part of roleplay.
If you are roleplaying a relationship within the game and as players you have little to no contact outside the game, I would suggest that the gender of the players involved is totally irrelevant. If you later find out that the woman you have been married to is actually played by a man, is that really so important? The relationship between the characters was obviously entirely roleplayed and mutually enjoyable.
On the other hand, if you become friendly with each other outside the game and talks have ranged away from just setting up a time to meet and begin to include normal conversations about yourselves as players, I strongly feel that intentional deception about your gender as a player is wrong. While some may cling to the fact that the romantic relationship is strictly between the characters, it is simply cruel and a breach of trust to actively deceive another player like that. If the relationship between the characters is truly roleplayed, then it should not be an insurmountable obstacle once the truth is known. After all, you were enjoying it before you knew, right?
Personally, I feel it's simply best to be honest about this matter right from the start as soon as your characters begin making googly eyes at each other. It may mean the other player simply can't deal with it and will back out of the situation. But that is much better than dealing with the mess created by hurt feelings and a sense of betrayal later on.
The third thing I want to mention is separation of characters. Many of us play more than one character and many of us have more than one character actively involved in a relationship. If the relationships truly are roleplayed, what a player does with their other characters should be of no importance in regards to you. What I am getting at is, being possessive about a player's other characters is bad news.
A good roleplayer will keep their characters separate from each other, usually not even knowing each other. That means that your character Sean who is involve with Tayla has no right to have any say in what Ashina is doing, even though Tayla and Ashina have the same player. If you find that you are angry because you know Ashina is having sex with her lover in the game, it's time to re-evaluate just exactly what is going on and if the situation is truly only roleplay on your part.
The only time this is legitimately an issue would be if you had been averaging a certain amount of playing time with Tayla, and all of a sudden the player is now spending most of her time in the game as Ashina. It's quite understandable that this sort of thing could cause some hard feelings and would need to be discussed between the players as to expectations.
If you find that you are becoming possessive over the player and not the individual character you are involved with, you had better have an honest conversation as players either to get back on the same page or to decide that it isn't going to work out anymore because as players you now have different agendas.
A final thing to always consider is that not everyone agrees on what is acceptable or comfortable when it comes to playing out romance within the game. Some people find it easiest to just not have their characters get involved with anyone, that way avoiding any of the potential pitfalls. Some people have real life issues, such as a lover or spouse, that limit just how much they can do with their character in the game. Some people are not interested in playing out sex in the game, even if their character is romantically involved.
The main thing I want to stress here is, it's not a good idea to try to pressure someone into crossing a line they have established for themselves, no matter what the source of that boundary is. Trying to convince or maneuver someone into doing something they will regret as a player is never a good idea. Respect people's boundaries.
The Challenge
Some may wonder why I am even bothering to discuss all this. Many strongly feel that roleplayed intimacy has no place in the game and is in fact not roleplay at all. My experience has been exactly the opposite. I have found that roleplaying sex is actually one of the most challenging things I have attempted in the game.
The reason I feel that it's such an interesting challenge is because intimacy draws on every single component of roleplay used within a game like Gemstone. Generally, when interacting with other characters, there are other distractions, conversations, interruptions, etc. Meaning that there are external things that often take the pressure off the players involved by spreading around everyone's attention. Acting out physical intimacy however is focused roleplay, which takes your complete attention, with timing and skill being critical to whether or not the scene actually works.
You have to pay constant attention to who is where and doing what. The ability to visualize the scene in your head is paramount, and keeping track of spatial relationships and physical position is of ultimate importance. Your ability as a writer, being able to artfully describe what is going on, is taxed to the utmost. After all, creativity and inventiveness in a turn of phrase can make or break the roleplay experience. Sitting there staring at your screen, visualizing what you want your character to do next, while racking your brain for a way to phrase it in words that aren't just plain tacky can be exhausting.
Physical intimacy combines use of all the tools at our disposal as roleplayers. You have to decide which game verbs work and when. Overuse or misuse of the smile command is an issue. Think about it, can you really smile while you are doing THAT? Using the act command is common, yet use of the act command is an art form. It's something that takes most of us a lot of practice to get right just in regular game play. In an intimate scene between two characters, it is a constant back and forth that requires frequent adjustments, a good sense of timing, lack of distraction, good writing skills, good typing skills, and most of all being able to adapt to and work well with another player's style.
Many people simply type out strings of pornography to get through it, but that hardly makes it a memorable roleplay session. If you are truly in it for the roleplay, then you will want the experience of making love to be as vivid, well played, and meaningful as any other roleplay that you do as your character. This means that skillful use of a few act commands is only part of the challenge.
It's All in the Character
The final part of the challenge is being your character at all times, including in the bedroom. If you only ever play one character, this may not be that difficult or important. But if you play more than one, you have to keep in mind that each one will be different in bed, just as they are in other aspects of life. I think this can be the trickiest part, but also the fun part. My two main characters are dramatically different from each other, so part of the challenge is being able to portray those differences while in the throes of passion.
You need to take everything that you know about your character, their past, their likes, dislikes, general attitudes and personality, how they relate to people, how they feel about the person they are with, how they tend to react to things, and apply them all in a way that further portrays that character. If sex is about roleplay, then it should be seen as yet another way to learn more about your character and an additional way to demonstrate exactly what makes them tick.
To try and be a bit more specific about this, my first character is the romantic type. She should have been smooth and adept, but her first attempts were fairly bumbling because I hadn't been playing very long and my skills as a roleplayer were terribly rough and underdeveloped. I'm not saying it was all horrible, just that it could have been a lot better. I then went through a very long period of time where intimacy in the game had come to a halt and I didn't have a chance to expand on my skills in that area.
Eventually it became a possibility again and I could take what I had learned from playing her in all that time and apply it to her intimate activities. I tried to make it an extension of the kind of person she is in general. She loves romantic gestures, a flowery turn of phrase, a romantic setting, slow sensuality, and the act of love has a great deal of significance, emotional depth, and meaning to her.
So after my experience with her, my second character came as somewhat of a surprise to me. She is a rather prickly sort with a lot of built up anger from her life and frankly I never even knew if anyone would get past all that and even want to be involved with her. I also thought that because she was so guarded and self-protective, she would not want to be that vulnerable with another person. What became apparent to me as soon as she was involved with someone was that beneath that prickly exterior, she is an extremely passionate person.
It was a revelation of a completely new aspect of my character that I hadn't even suspected was there, and it allowed me to understand her better and be able to portray her more fully in other aspects of the game. When it comes to intimacy, she's much more the grab and gasp type, with a romantic setting being utterly irrelevant to what's foremost on her mind at the time. (Though deep feelings can be an important part of it as well.)
Many people forget that because physical intimacy between characters is part of a larger picture, there is a lot more to be explored than simply creative use of act commands. Your character's history may have things in it that hinder or help their love life. Those shouldn't be ignored just because things get a bit steamy, but should be incorporated into the interactions.
Something that I ended up having a lot of fun with was the fact that my second character, as part of her history, was totally inexperienced with things of a romantic or sexual nature. (As opposed to my first character who as part of her back-story had had a couple lovers in her home village before starting her life of adventure.) Playing up her ignorance and sometimes shock about various things, and then usually her total fascination with them once they were made known, was a lot of fun at times and often allowed for some comical interactions. That's only one example, there are all kinds of possibilities such as incorporating religious beliefs/activities, exploring obsessions, discovering character secrets, etc., etc.
What I am trying to get at is, roleplayed sex is about your character; everything they are, believe, and feel. Those things should not be dropped the moment a door is latched. Rather, they need to be brought into the latched room with you and be part of what takes place.
Tips
I'm hardly an expert on this matter. While I may be one of the few who has actually put forth a serious discussion, my experiences are actually rather limited compared to many people, and my roleplay skills in the bedroom are not Oscar winning material. I am rather jealous of the skilled roleplayers who are able to pull off a flawless and well-written love scene. But I will try to list some things to keep in mind while attempting this type of roleplay.
Courtship
Don't forget this part! Hopping into bed with someone right away may seem like fun at the time, but you are robbing yourself of some of the best aspects of romantic/sexual roleplay. I have often found that the build up to making love is often more enjoyable than the making love itself. Think of the kind of person your character is and how they would woo someone, and then act on it. Don't rush things (well for some characters rush is part of who they are and you can't help that, but in general rushing isn't a good idea).
If your character is the romantic type then flowers, compliments, an occasional suggestive touch or comment, etc. are all good ideas. For other types of characters, the activities may be a bit more blatant, but just as important to build up the anticipation. A slow seduction, a long romantic courtship, or an extended period of teasing allows you to have plenty of opportunity to flesh out and portray your characters, get used to each other's styles, and is a hell of a lot of fun.
Whispers
Whispers can become somewhat awkward while roleplaying romance because so many players are accustomed to whispers being mostly for out of character information. If you play with someone regularly who knows that you also whisper in character, it won't be as big of an issue. But it's something to keep in mind for clarity while playing. Whispers can be used very effectively in an in-character manner, especially when it comes to sex and romance, but you want to make sure the other player knows that it is your character whispering the sweet nothings and not you as a player.
Be Realistic
A roleplay trap that some people allow themselves to fall into, mostly because it seems fun or is most convenient at the moment, is using whispers or private thoughts on the amulet to act things out. While this might be titillating, it's hardly good roleplay. Whispers or thoughts are words, not actions. If you are in a room of other people and are using whispers to pretend you are up to some hanky panky, it simply makes no sense. If you really were doing what you said in your whisper, other people would certainly notice! If you are using the amulet for communication, that means you only have a mental connection, not a physical one. So acting as if you are physically doing something to another person again makes no sense.
This is not to say that amulets and whispers can't be used to great effect. Just use them appropriately. Instead of abusing them by trying to pretend you are doing something impossible at the moment, use them to describe what you would be doing with the other person if you could. That can be just as, or more exciting, and it keeps the roleplay realistic and believable.
What Goes Where
Keeping track of what is going on is very important. It is very embarrassing to lose track of where someone is in relation to the other person and do an act command that is physically impossible at that moment. Make sure that your movements are clear and don't contradict what has already been done. Make sure that your actions are physically appropriate to your positions, body types, etc. Pay close attention to what your partner is doing so that you can enhance it and build on it. If one of you thinks you are lying side by side on the bearskin rug and the other one thinks they are sitting in your lap in a chair, there's going to be some serious problems.
Physical Looks
It can be a great idea to either tell or write out for each other at some point what your character looks like in detail and what their physical build is like. There can be a lot of awkwardness or miscommunications if you don't pay attention to this. If someone is on the plump side, using an act that describes their flat stomach is a botch. Being aware of racial characteristics is also very important, such as relative height, pointed ears, body hair or lack of it, etc.
Timing
I have found this to be tricky and it will vary with each person. You have to learn to adapt to each other's style and pace in order to make the scene work. The people I have been with tend to often do a back and forth thing, each taking turns. But that's not the only way to go about it. Be prepared to have to do a lot of backspacing when your partner does something unexpected or an additional act. Try to be focused and don't let your mind wander so that you can respond as quickly as possible under the circumstances. Long pauses can create for a lot of awkwardness (and boredom), though you have to cut slow typers some slack.
Filler
This is where the written medium tends to have a lot of drawbacks. In real life, you both just do things, often without really thinking about it, and both at the same time. In the game you have to wait on the other person's typing to see what comes next, and in the meantime, the silence can be deafening. This is a good time to make use of some of the regular game verbs as sort of filler in between.
Act and Smile
This is another tricky one and it's tied in with the whole timing and filler issues. Act commands need to be structured in a reasonably grammatically correct manner or things can become confusing or just plain look bad. It's easier and quicker to use short and to the point act commands, but that lacks a certain artistry and misses some of the roleplay appeal. On the other hand, really long and detailed act commands take much longer to think up and type out, leaving your partner just sitting there trying to think of filler material while they wait for you.
A lot of this is simply a matter of personal roleplay style as well. One person I was involved with tended towards long act commands (not just in bed but also in her roleplay in general) and I had to adapt to that and realize she wasn't frozen or distracted. It's often best to try to find a way to write complex sentences that describe two to three things at once, yet are not terribly long. It's also often a good idea to mix things up between shorter and longer act commands to strike a balance between detail and maintaining a good flow of the scene.
Using You
Normally when doing act commands out in public you should always use the other character's name if it's directed at a single individual. This avoids any confusion on the part of bystanders or anyone who might pass through. However, when in a private room this ceases to be a concern, unless of course there are more than two people present. It is much more intimate and realistic to employ the use of "you" and "your" when participating in any privately roleplayed scene, whether it is sexual in nature or simply having a nice cup of tea together.
Word Choices
This is one of those things that can be a bit embarrassing if you aren't on the same wavelength as the other player and you happen to choose words or terms the other person finds either comical or distasteful. Naming or describing certain body parts is one of the things that can be most difficult. Most of us are accustomed to using a lot of slang in every day conversations, but they often don't translate well into a romantic setting. On the other hand, proper terms often lack a certain poetry and can even come across as being rather funny.
Try to pick up clues from how your partner describes things to gauge their level of comfort and try to portray your own comfort zone with your own word choices as well. Then both of you should attempt to adapt a bit to each other's styles. If you don't, it can be a big turn off rather than an enjoyable experience. I doubt I'm alone in thinking things that look like they are from a poorly written romance or pornographic novel don't make for a good roleplay scene.
Play Your Own Character
This is a basic rule of roleplay in general and it is just as important when talking about characters making love. Your act commands should show your actions and your responses to the actions of your partner. You should not do things that tell how your partner is feeling or responding. Roleplay is about how we portray our characters and each of us is unique in how we do that. It is our responsibility to make sure we know and demonstrate that we can only speak for our own characters.
There is a little more leeway when making love at times, but it shouldn't be abused or stretched so far that you are intruding on the other player's space. Allow the other character to demonstrate their own responses, while at the same time building on what they have already shown is happening at the time.
The Inevitable Bungle
It's going to happen sooner or later. Sometimes it's as simple as a typo you make in an act command that offends your perfectionist sensibilities, and sometimes it's something bigger, like mis-reading what the other person has typed and reacting to what you thought they said and not what they actually said. If it's along the lines of a typo and the meaning is still clear, just ignore it. Everyone makes mistakes and drawing attention to it just detracts from the whole thing. If instead it's the kind of thing where you made a more significant mistake, just whisper quickly to the other player something along the lines of "oops, I misunderstood" and then try to get back on track.
It's Your Character, Not You
Don't forget that this is roleplay and that you aren't limited to your own personal tastes. Just because you don't like something doesn't mean your character won't. And just because you do like something, doesn't mean your character will. Try to keep this in mind when deciding what types of things your character finds to be a turn on, turn off, etc. Your character's history, personality, and sense of their own body will help dictate which types of things they want to engage in or what kinds of things they might find distasteful.
The Amulet Can Be Your Enemy
In more ways than one. First, there's the classic "pulling a Fisdan", where you accidentally type "think" instead of "act". The other people on the amulet are in for an unexpected (and possibly graphic) enlightenment as to your current activities and the mis-thinker is in for some intense embarrassment. The other way it can be a problem is not nearly as dramatic but can be cause for conflict. If your lover knows that you are also listening to the net at the time you should be paying undivided attention to them, you might be setting yourself up for a night on the couch.
Lock the Door!
This is one of those things that can trip up new players especially. (Though perhaps I should note here, if you are a new player, getting deeply involved with another character romantically right away is not a good idea. It can actually hinder you, both in terms of learning the game and in your character development. It's not so different than someone in real life getting married at a very young age and thus missing out on some very important things in life.) The only places in the game where it is acceptable according to policy to participate in intimate/graphic encounters are latched or locked rooms. These would be inn rooms, private rooms in Great Houses and locked privately owned homes. The room having a door doesn't count. You have to actually be able to latch or lock it in order to avoid a warning or nudge from GM's about your activities.
Conclusion
Well I hope this ramble has been of some help or gave some food for thought. As I said before, I'm not exactly an expert. But because I feel this has been a valid and interesting part of roleplay for me, I think it's important to be able to discuss the various issues openly and honestly at times. Just always keep in mind what your goals, intentions, and limitations are and honestly communicate these things to those you are involved with and you will avoid most of the problems and hopefully have some beneficial and even intriguing roleplay experiences.